OFFICIAL ISLAND FUEL CONSERVATION NOTICE

Due to the astronomical price of petrol and diesel, motorists on Skye are being asked to treat all remaining fuel as a valuable personal asset. With immediate effect, dashboard fuel readings should be interpreted as follows: • Warning light illuminated — financially cautious • Quarter of a tank — reasonably comfortable • Half a tank — openly affluent • Full tank — unexplained wealth, possibly requiring investigation Vehicles containing more than half a tank should be parked discreetly to avoid jealousy. Owners are also advised not to discuss recent fill-ups in public places, particularly within hearing distance of somebody who drives a van. - FORECOURT PROCEDURE Anyone intending to fill a vehicle completely may be asked to provide photographic identification, proof of income and the name of their next of kin. Please note that £20 inserted at the pump will no longer purchase a measurable quantity of fuel. It simply lets the machine know you are serious. Customers are asked not to gasp, swear or telephone their bank until the nozzle has been safely returned. Staff are trained to provide a chair and a small glass of water where necessary. Tourists arriving with a full tank may be required to declare it at Skye Border Control. Fuel brought onto the island for personal use is permitted, although visitors are reminded that towing an additional bowser may attract the campervan levy. - FUEL-SAVING GUIDANCE Drivers should coast downhill whenever possible. On uphill sections, passengers may be asked to get out and contribute physically to the journey. Unnecessary activities such as overtaking, revving the engine or driving around looking for cheaper fuel are strongly discouraged. Heated seats should now be regarded as a private luxury and used only on birthdays. Murdo is developing a fuel-by-instalment scheme. Customers receive one litre immediately, followed by twelve manageable monthly payments extending well beyond the point at which the fuel has been used. Donnie is currently testing a wind-powered tractor. The first trial moved the tractor twelve feet and the roof of his shed to Dunvegan. Until further notice, residents are advised to plan journeys carefully and never waste fuel driving somewhere merely to check whether it is cheaper there. - ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD “Now accepting cash, card and Highland crofts.”