ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD

MAJOR WELLNESS ANNOUNCEMENT - SLIGACHAN FIVE-STAR LUXURY REJUVENATION CENTRE APPROVED The Isle of Skye Tourist Board is delighted to announce plans for a new luxury wellness and rejuvenation facility at Sligachan. For generations — or possibly since somebody on a tour bus said it with sufficient confidence — visitors have been lowering their faces into the icy waters of the River Sligachan in the belief that the faeries will grant them eternal beauty. We have therefore done what any responsible Tourist Board would do. We’ve monetised it. The new Sligachan Eternal Beauty & Rejuvenation Centre will offer visitors a carefully curated Highland wellness experience based around the traditional seven-second face immersion. - No chemicals. - No lasers. - No expensive serums. Just freezing cold water, rocks and an ancient supernatural warranty which has yet to generate any paperwork. THE LEGEND According to one popular telling, the warrior Scáthach was engaged in a prolonged disagreement with the Irish hero Cú Chulainn. Scáthach’s daughter, understandably tired of two highly trained warriors carrying on like that, went to the waters at Sligachan seeking help. The faeries advised her to immerse her face in the water and provided the inspiration which ultimately brought the fighting to an end. The waters subsequently became associated with eternal youth and beauty. There are several versions of the story. This is extremely useful from a marketing perspective. THE TREATMENT Guests undertaking the Signature Sligachan Rejuvenation Experience will: - Approach the river. - Question their life choices. - Immerse their face in the water for seven seconds. - Stand back up rather more quickly than anticipated. - Allow the water to dry naturally. - Wait for the faeries to commence restorative work. Results may vary. THE FIVE-STAR EXPERIENCE Traditional visitors currently receive cold water and are allocated a rock. Under the new proposals, the premium experience will also include: • A towel you are not permitted to use until your face has dried naturally. • A heated changing room approximately 300 metres away. • Complimentary herbal tea. • A small mirror for assessing fairy progress. • One member of staff trained to say, “Yes, seven full seconds.” • A certificate confirming that you have been officially rejuvenated. The river itself will remain exactly as it is. We felt changing it might invalidate the magic. TREATMENT PACKAGES THE SLIGACHAN CLASSIC Seven-second face immersion. THE SCÁTHACH SIGNATURE Seven-second immersion followed by tea and fifteen minutes staring thoughtfully towards the Cuillin. THE ETERNAL YOUTH PREMIUM Face immersion, robe, hot drink and professional before-and-after photography taken sufficiently far apart to discourage detailed comparison. THE DONNIE Exactly the same treatment as the basic package, but Donnie holds your coat. (£35 extra). AIR DRYING Visitors are traditionally advised to allow the water to dry naturally. Hairdryers will therefore be prohibited within the treatment area. This is partly to preserve the ritual and partly because running an extension lead down to the river was rejected at an early stage. WINTER TREATMENTS The Centre will operate throughout the year. Visitors booking between November and March will receive the Enhanced Highland Cryotherapy Experience at no additional cost. This is the same river. It is simply February. SAFETY Visitors should remember that Sligachan contains wet rocks, moving water and Scottish weather. Please do not enter fast or swollen water, climb onto unsafe rocks or attempt a full-body immersion because seven seconds “didn’t feel enough”. The faeries have never requested this. Neither have we. RESULTS The Tourist Board cannot guarantee eternal beauty. We can, however, guarantee that immediately after placing your face in Highland river water you will look considerably more awake. Several visitors have described the effect as transformative. Others have used a variety of different words. FUTURE DEVELOPMENT Subject to planning approval, Phase Two may include: - The Fairy Facial Terrace. - The Cuillin Meditation Shelter. - A heated infinity pool. And a small retail facility selling £48 bottles of genuine Sligachan Rejuvenating Mist. These will contain water. We are still working on the label. ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD "Sligachan Eternal Beauty & Rejuvenation Centre; Where beauty meets hypothermia."