ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD

MAJOR OIL DISCOVERY — ECONOMIC UPDATE Significant oil reserves have been discovered beneath several crofts on Skye following routine drainage work. The discovery was initially attributed to a leak from Donnie’s tractor. Geological specialists subsequently confirmed that the quantity involved massively exceeded even Donnie’s expectations. Several crofters have become multi-millionaires overnight. One was informed of his settlement while feeding the sheep. He asked whether the figure was before or after deductions, then finished feeding the sheep. Another has purchased the adjoining croft, which he has described as worthless since 1987. He says it remains worthless, but at least it is now his. The discovery has already attracted substantial investment. Four Rolls-Royces, two Ferraris and a Bentley have arrived on the island. The first Rolls-Royce has been fitted with a towbar. The dealership asked whether its owner intended towing a yacht. “Stock trailer.” The dealership asked whether he was also buying a new trailer? “What’s wrong with the one I’ve got?” He has also requested a wee sheep in place of the Spirit of Ecstasy. Rolls-Royce offered to create a unique ornament from silver. He asked whether they could use the metal from the old one, as it seemed an awful waste. One Ferrari owner has complained about ground clearance. He was advised that the car was designed for smooth roads. He has asked where those are? Its heated passenger seat has, however, proved useful for warming a cold lamb. The lamb is recovering well. Ferrari has advised that this is not an approved use of the seat. The owner says they should put that in the brochure before people buy one. Luxury accessories have also appeared at the fank. On Tuesday, one crofter asked another, “Is that piece bag a Louis Vuitton?” “It is.” “Any good?” “No, the zip’s shite, and the flask has to go in sideways.” “What did it cost?” “Two thousand four hundred.” There was a short silence. “You’d think they’d at least throw in a flask.” The manufacturer has been contacted. It is understood that its Paris office is seeking clarification on both “piece bag” and “fank”, though the complaint about the zip was immediately understood. Disappointment has been reported with several pairs of Balenciaga wellies, which began letting in water shortly after leaving the house. One purchaser contacted the retailer and was advised that the boots were intended to make a statement. He says they have. He is back in his old wellies. Another was told the distressed finish was part of the design. He said he understood that now, as he had been distressed all the way to the shed. A local financial adviser has recommended a diversified portfolio. His first client asked whether buying sheep from three different men would cover it. The adviser suggested bonds. The crofter said the fences were just fine. Murdo has acquired a yacht. He has asked Donnie to have a look at the engine before he takes it anywhere. Donnie says a yacht would be fine, but you cannot put sheep on one without making the whole business unnecessarily complicated. Normal crofting business will continue despite the change in circumstances. Lambs still need feeding. Gates still need shutting. The man selling the pedigree ram has doubled his price, having heard about the oil. He was told where to go by six millionaires simultaneously. The Board also advises that substantial wealth will not resolve every difficulty associated with island life. One crofter ordered a £9,000 Italian dining table and was informed that delivery to his postcode was unavailable. He offered to buy the delivery company. They said it would still be unavailable. A meeting will be held at a mobile office at the fank on Friday to discuss royalties, investment and the long-term management of the discovery. Tea will be £1.80. Three crofters have already said they’ll bring their own.