ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD

EXCITING MAJOR REDEVELOPMENT ANNOUNCEMENT KING GEORGE V PLAYING FIELD TO BECOME PORTREE’S FIRST FIVE-STAR CAMPERVAN RESORT Following extensive consideration of Portree’s housing pressures, parking difficulties, lack of open space and increasing number of campervans, a solution has been identified which manages to involve all four. The King George V Playing Field is to be transformed into a luxury town-centre motorhome resort. The proposal would replace much of the existing grass with 64 premium campervan pitches, allowing visitors to enjoy convenient access to Portree while removing the tiresome uncertainty of having to find somewhere sensible to park. The development is provisionally titled: THE KING GEORGE MOTORHOME & WELLNESS RETREAT Donnie says the word “wellness” adds at least £18 a night. - THE PITCHES Each generously proportioned pitch will offer: • Electricity hook-up • Fresh water • Waste disposal • Wi-Fi, depending where you stand • Panoramic views of whichever campervan parks in front of you • Authentic Portree seagull wake-up service from approximately 5.12am Premium pitches nearest the town will include enough room to open one side door fully. The Executive Highland pitches may allow both. Prices have not yet been announced, although the phrase “from £49 per night” has already been spotted in a draft brochure. Murdo has asked what happened to the free playing field. The consultants could not provide an answer. - SPORTING FACILITIES The Tourist Board understands some concern has been expressed regarding the loss of recreational space. Developers have stressed that sport will remain central to the site. A narrow strip of grass between pitches 27 and 31 will be retained for football. The Skye Agricultural Show will also continue as normal, although livestock exhibitors are advised that any cow reversing onto a serviced pitch will be charged the full overnight rate. Matches will be suspended whenever somebody needs to empty a chemical toilet. Children wishing to play elsewhere will be encouraged to rediscover traditional Highland activities such as walking uphill and being told to stay away from the road. - LANDSCAPING Great care will be taken to ensure the development blends sympathetically into Portree. Plans include six native shrubs, several tasteful timber signs and one large boulder beside reception. Donnie says the boulder makes it environmentally sensitive. Murdo says it was already environmentally sensitive when it was a field. - THE WELLNESS EXPERIENCE Visitors seeking relaxation will have access to a dedicated wellness area consisting of two picnic benches behind the community centre. Proposed wellness activities include: Morning mindfulness while reversing a seven-metre motorhome into a space designed for something considerably smaller. Outdoor yoga in full waterproofs, including the traditional Highland pose known as “holding onto the awning.” Guided breathing exercises during chemical-toilet emptying, with particular emphasis on not breathing in. And the signature “Portree Sound Bath” — gulls overhead, reversing sensors from three directions, a dog barking at nothing, and somebody starting a diesel engine at 6.40am because apparently they’re “just warming it up.” And the signature “Portree Sound Bath”, provided naturally by gulls, reversing sensors and somebody starting a diesel engine at 6.40am. This is all provided at no additional charge. - PARKING Each campervan pitch will include parking for one campervan. Additional vehicle parking will not be available. Visitors bringing a car behind their campervan will therefore be directed to Portree’s existing parking facilities in the Square and Bayfield. This is expected to introduce them immediately to the reason the campervan resort was built in the first place. - LOCAL BENEFITS The scheme is expected to bring significant economic benefits to Portree. Visitors will be within easy walking distance of local shops, cafés and restaurants. This will reduce unnecessary vehicle movements through the town. Except when 64 campervans all decide to leave at 10am. Donnie has suggested staggered departures. Murdo says Donnie has never seen checkout morning. - RESIDENT DISCOUNT A special discounted rate is being considered for Skye residents wishing to park a campervan in the middle of Portree and sleep in it. This is expected to be particularly attractive to younger locals who have been unable to find an actual house. The Housing Department has asked Donnie not to describe this as “Phase One”. He has since removed it from the whiteboard. - THE GRAND OPENING Subject to consultation, planning approval, drainage work and nobody asking too many awkward questions about where the football is going, the resort could welcome its first guests in time for the summer season. Donnie has already volunteered to manage the site. He says he has extensive experience with campervans, having spent most of July and August waiting behind them. Murdo remains unconvinced. He says if the solution to Portree’s housing shortage is to replace a playing field with temporary accommodation, then someone has misunderstood the word “housing”. Donnie says that’s why they’ve added “wellness” to the title. - ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD "King George Motorhome Resort - Portree’s newest green space. Now mostly white.”