ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD
LOCAL DEMOCRACY ANNOUNCEMENT DONNIE MACLEOD ANNOUNCES BID TO STAND FOR COUNCIL After years of standing at gates, leaning on things and explaining how everything could be done so much better if folk would just stop interfering, Donnie MacLeod has decided he possesses all the necessary qualifications for local government. Donnie says the decision came after “a great deal of thought”. Murdo says it came after three drams and somebody telling him he couldn’t. His campaign slogan is: “IT’LL BE FINE.” Murdo says this is less a slogan and more the warning usually given immediately before something catches fire. Donnie’s manifesto is expected to include: • All potholes to be officially named. Once something has a name, somebody may eventually feel responsible for it. • Council consultations to be shortened considerably. Instead of six months and 84 pages, Donnie proposes asking three people outside the Co-op and “getting the general gist”. • Campervans unable to reverse into a passing place after three attempts will become permanent accommodation, thereby helping with the local housing shortage. • Every public toilet marked “temporarily closed” for more than two years will be reclassified as an archaeological site. • A new Roads Department emergency vehicle will be introduced. Donnie already owns it. It’s the Ifor Williams trailer. • Planning applications exceeding 200 pages must include a one-page section entitled: “What the hell are you actually building?” • Ensuring no roadworks are permitted unless somebody can explain, in ordinary, plain English, what they are actually doing. • The Skye weather forecast will be simplified to: Morning – weather. Afternoon – more of it. Evening – probably sideways. • Any meeting lasting longer than two hours must demonstrate what was achieved before the biscuits are released. When asked how he intends to fund his programme, Donnie said there appears to be a considerable amount of money already being spent and he’d quite like to know where it all goes. Murdo has warned him this sort of question may damage his political career before it starts. Campaign headquarters will operate from Donnie’s shed. There will be no telephone number, email address or fixed opening hours. Donnie says this will prepare constituents for public service. He has offered Murdo the position of campaign manager. Murdo declined. Donnie then offered him Deputy Campaign Manager. Murdo still declined, this time more slowly. The Tourist Board will, of course, remain entirely neutral. We have, however, removed Donnie’s access to the office laminator. There are limits to democracy. - ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD "Donnie MacLeod for Council - Lower expectations. Better chance of exceeding them.”