ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD - VISITOR GUIDANCE No.39

THE HIGHLAND MIDGE OFFICIAL VISITOR SAFETY & PERSONAL PROTECTION GUIDANCE The Isle of Skye Tourist Board wishes to reassure visitors that the Highland midge is a perfectly natural part of the island’s environment. It was here long before the bridge, the motorhome and the gentleman who recently asked whether we could spray the entire island before his wedding. It will almost certainly be here after all three. Although small, the Highland midge has an exceptional understanding of visitor movements and can detect an unprotected ankle with a level of determination that continues to surprise researchers. We have therefore prepared the following guidance to help visitors enjoy Skye while retaining a reasonable proportion of their blood. - RECOGNISING MIDGE WEATHER Midges particularly enjoy calm, damp conditions, especially around dawn and dusk. Visitors should exercise caution when encountering a beautiful, still Highland evening. The absence of wind, the gentle light across the mountains and the peaceful sound of a nearby burn may suggest ideal conditions for a romantic walk. They are also ideal conditions for approximately 80,000 midges. If you arrive at a Highland loch and remark, “What a lovely spot for a picnic,” please check whether any local people are present. If there are none, consider why. Local residents rarely comment on the absence of wind unless they are already moving quickly and quietly towards a building. - RECOMMENDED PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT Visitors are advised to carry suitable insect repellent and, where necessary, a midge head net. Long sleeves and trousers are also recommended. Repellent should be applied before leaving your accommodation rather than waiting until sufficient midges have arrived to require a formal evacuation. Donnie recommends carrying a spare bottle in the car. Murdo recommends staying in the car. Please note that a head net does not make you immune to midges. It merely changes their relationship with you from dining to window-shopping. - IF YOU ENCOUNTER A SWARM Remain calm. Avoid unnecessary shouting, particularly with your mouth open. Do not attempt to negotiate. The Highland midge has no recognised management structure, and previous attempts to identify a spokesperson have been unsuccessful. If you find yourself waving both arms around your head, stamping your feet and repeatedly slapping your own face, please do not be embarrassed. This is a recognised Highland dance. Unlike the Strip the Willow, it can be performed alone and there is no requirement to thank your partner afterwards. The Tourist Board asks only that you avoid performing it in the middle of a single-track road. - USING FRIENDS AND FAMILY AS PROTECTION Visitors should not deliberately position slower members of their party or children between themselves and an approaching swarm. We recognise that this happens. We simply prefer not to receive photographs. If one member of your group announces that midges never seem to bite them, please keep that person nearby. They are of considerable scientific interest. - OUTDOOR DINING The Highland midge does not recognise table reservations or private functions. It will attend picnics, barbecues, wedding receptions, marriage proposals and occasionally the subsequent divorce. Unlike the seagull, it has little interest in what you are eating. It has come for you. Visitors planning romantic evening meals beside a loch are advised to establish an agreed withdrawal procedure before opening the wine. Do not wait until one partner announces that they are being eaten alive. By that stage, the other has usually gone to the car. - ESCAPE PROCEDURES Walking briskly may provide temporary relief. Running can also be effective, although visitors should avoid looking backwards while negotiating uneven Highland ground. A surprising number of people have escaped the midges only to discover a drainage ditch, where a further 85,000 midges await. If you reach your vehicle, enter promptly and close the doors. Check that all passengers are aboard. Do not reopen a window to ask whether everyone is enjoying themselves. They are not. If a midge has entered the vehicle, do not attempt to locate it while driving. It will make itself known at a junction. - THE ROLE OF HIGHLAND WIND A moderate breeze can provide welcome relief from midges. Unfortunately, Highland wind is rarely available in moderate quantities. Visitors may therefore have to choose between an evening of uninterrupted insect activity or watching their picnic table travel towards Harris. The Tourist Board considers this a reasonable compromise. Donnie says the ideal conditions are a gentle breeze, warm sunshine and just enough wind to keep the midges away. Murdo says if we ever get all three at once, we'll declare a public holiday. - COMPLAINTS AND REFUNDS We occasionally receive enquiries from visitors who believe the midges have negatively affected their holiday and wish to know what compensation is available. Unfortunately, the midges are not employed by the Tourist Board. They are self-employed, operate seven days a week and have never once submitted a tax return. We have written to them on several occasions. There has been no reply. Complaints should therefore be directed to the insects concerned. We wish you every success. - DONNIE’S PROPOSED SOLUTION Donnie MacLeod is currently investigating the feasibility of establishing a dedicated Midge Reception Centre away from the island’s major visitor attractions. His proposal includes a fenced compound, interpretive signage, sheltered seating and a volunteer registration scheme. He believes the insects could be encouraged to remain there while tourists enjoy the scenery elsewhere. Murdo has examined the plans and pointed out that Donnie has effectively described his own croft. Donnie says this is unfortunate but not necessarily a reason to abandon the scheme. - WHEN DO THE MIDGES LEAVE? This remains one of our most frequently asked questions. Midge activity generally declines as conditions become colder, although the exact timing varies. Visitors should not assume that the first chilly evening signals the end of the season. The Highland midge is capable of considerable optimism. Murdo says if you want to see Skye without midges, come in January. Bring a coat. Quite a substantial one. - A FINAL WORD FROM THE TOURIST BOARD The Highland midge is not Scotland’s national bird. It has no official protected status as a visitor attraction, cannot be reserved in advance and is not included in any Tourist Board package. It is, however, one of the few things on Skye that will come directly to your accommodation without charging a delivery surcharge. Murdo says we should be grateful for that much. - ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD “Skye: Where even reading about them makes you feel itchy.”