🥃 ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD — VISITOR GUIDANCE No.141

BEING OFFERED A DRAM Visitors to Skye should be aware that entering somebody’s house may occasionally result in being offered a dram. This is not generally considered an emergency. Remain calm. The phrase: “Will you have a wee dram?” is not really a question about quantity. “Wee” is a traditional Scottish unit of measurement meaning: “However much ends up in the glass.” Do not ask for clarification. The person pouring has done this before. 🥃 ACCEPTING If you would like one, the correct response is usually: “Aye, go on then.” This will be interpreted as enthusiastic consent. The dram may then be poured to a level that suggests the host has misunderstood the purpose of a measuring device. Do not comment. Particularly if the bottle belongs to somebody’s late grandfather and has “been kept for something.” You are apparently the something. 🥃 REFUSING It is perfectly acceptable to decline. Particularly if you are driving. Simply say: “No thanks, I’m driving.” This will normally be respected immediately. You may still be offered tea, coffee, shortbread, cake, another cup of tea and something to eat “before you go.” Leaving can therefore still take approximately 45 minutes. If you decline without providing a reason, the host may ask again. This is not pressure. They are merely checking whether you heard correctly. 🥃 WATER At some point somebody may ask: “Water?” This is dangerous territory. There are several recognised schools of thought. Some add a few drops. Some add considerably more. Some believe adding water reveals the whisky. Others believe it reveals weakness. The Tourist Board takes no official position. If uncertain, say: “Just a wee drop.” The host will then decide what that means. You have surrendered control. 🥃 ICE You may ask for ice. You are legally entitled to do so. However, there may be a pause. During this pause, several generations of Scottish ancestry will be silently consulted. Ice may eventually be provided. Possibly from a bag purchased in 2019. Proceed with confidence. 🥃 TASTING NOTES Visitors occasionally feel obliged to provide sophisticated tasting observations. This is unnecessary. You are not required to identify: peat smoke, sea salt, heather, oak, vanilla, or “a faint suggestion of wet rope beside a harbour.” A simple: “That’s lovely.” will generally suffice. If it is particularly strong, you may also say: “Ooft.” This is internationally recognised Highland tasting terminology. 🥃 THE SECOND DRAM The second dram frequently arrives without formal discussion. This is known as: “While the bottle’s out.” At this point you may notice that “one wee dram” has developed into a small evening. This is normal. Do not attempt to calculate units. You are on holiday. Unless you are driving. In which case you should not be drinking them in the first place. 🥃 LEAVING When you eventually announce: “Right, we’d better be going…” this does not mean you are actually leaving. It means the departure process has begun. Allow sufficient time for: another story, or three finding your jacket, discussing the weather, being shown something in the shed, and standing at the door for a further 12 minutes saying goodbye. The final words will often be: “Come back anytime.” This is normally genuine. Although if you finished the good bottle, give it a fortnight. 🥃 IMPORTANT VISITOR ADVICE Never refer to Scotch whisky as “Scotch” while attempting to impress the person pouring it. Do not swirl the glass for six minutes unless you know why. Do not announce that you “don’t normally like whisky” immediately after accepting somebody’s favourite one. And never say: “It tastes a bit like Jack Daniel’s.” There is no official penalty. But the room may become noticeably colder. Donnie MacLeod was asked for his advice to visitors. He considered the matter carefully. “Drink it.” We asked if he had anything further to add. “Aye. Don’t spill it.” Guidance complete. 🥃 THE SCOTTISH DRAM Small in name. Variable in size. And very rarely the last one. Please enjoy responsibly. And remember: “Ooft” is a perfectly acceptable review. 😐🥃🏔️