ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD - VISITOR GUIDANCE No.103

HOW TO ORDER IN A HIGHLAND PUB The Isle of Skye Tourist Board recognises that entering a Highland pub can be a rewarding cultural experience. It can also become unexpectedly complicated if you arrive at the bar and announce that you “don’t really know what you want”. For the benefit of visitors, the following guidance has therefore been prepared. 1. APPROACHING THE BAR Before reaching the front, it is advisable to have made at least one decision. Beer. Whisky. Wine. Soft drink. Anything will do. Standing at the bar for four minutes studying the pumps as though selecting a mortgage is discouraged. There may be people behind you who already know they want a pint. They have known since lunchtime. 2. “WHAT LOCAL WHISKY DO YOU RECOMMEND?” This is a perfectly reasonable question. It is also a dangerous one. You may receive a short answer. You may instead receive a detailed explanation of peat, casks, age statements, distilleries, water sources and why one particular bottle was better before they changed the label. Allow additional time. Possibly the entire evening. 3. DO NOT ASK FOR “SOMETHING REALLY SCOTTISH” Everything becomes awkward at this point. The whisky is Scottish. The beer may be Scottish. The crisps may be Scottish. The man beside you who has been quietly drinking half a pint for 45 minutes is certainly Scottish and should not be ordered under any circumstances. 4. “JUST A WEE ONE” Visitors should be aware that “a wee one” is not an internationally recognised unit of measurement. Its exact volume depends on who is pouring, who is paying and how long it has been since the last one. Attempts to clarify this mathematically are frowned upon. 5. THE ROUND If somebody says, “Whose round is it?”, remain calm. This is not a quiz. If everyone suddenly studies the ceiling, the fire, their shoes or an entirely unremarkable picture on the wall, this usually means somebody knows exactly whose round it is. Possibly you. 6. WATER WITH WHISKY Adding a little water is perfectly acceptable. Adding cola may cause the room to go quiet. Not angrily. Just enough for you to notice. 7. ICE You may ask for ice. The request will be honoured. Somebody at the far end of the bar may sigh. This is perfectly normal. 8. PRONUNCIATION If ordering a whisky with a Gaelic name, confidence is encouraged. Accuracy is preferable. If both are unavailable, point at the bottle. This has saved many people. 9. FOOD If the pub serves food, there is no need to ask whether the fish is fresh, whether the venison is local, or whether the chips are homemade. You may ask, of course. The answer may be shorter than you hoped. 10. CONVERSATION WITH LOCALS If a local says, “Not a bad day”, conditions may include rain, sleet, 40mph winds and partial loss of visibility. Do not correct them. They have already made a generous assessment. If someone says, “You’re lucky with the weather”, simply agree. Whatever is happening outside, it could apparently be considerably worse. 11. “JUST THE ONE” This phrase should not be treated as a legally binding declaration. It is more commonly an expression of optimism. Circumstances may change. Someone may arrive. Someone may leave. A story may need finishing. The weather may become involved. 12. BUYING A DRINK FOR A LOCAL This is generally appreciated. However, if they say, “No, no, you’re all right,” this may mean: “No.” Or: “Yes.” Further guidance is unavailable. You’ll need to read the room. 13. LAST ORDERS When last orders are called, visitors should avoid expressing surprise that the evening has passed so quickly. This is particularly true if you arrived at 5.30pm for “one quick drink”. Your coat may now be under somebody else’s chair. Your original plans are no longer relevant. FINAL ADVICE Highland pubs are not complicated places. Be polite. Know roughly what you want. Take your turn buying a round. Do not overthink the whisky. And if somebody tells you a story that begins with, “This happened years ago, mind...”, settle in. There may be several generations involved. Donnie says the important thing is to drink responsibly. Murdo says the important thing is knowing whose round it is. He has been studying this matter closely since 1978. ISLE OF SKYE TOURIST BOARD "Highland pubs. Come in for one. See how you get on."